Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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