oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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