the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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