Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
