my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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