What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
