i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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