I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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