She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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