Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
