The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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