I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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