we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
