careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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