matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
