I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
