my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
