She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
