Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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