Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
