I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
