Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize