why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize