I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
