matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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