I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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