just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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