The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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