i barfeds in our rink
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize