like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize