Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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