your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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