Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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