she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
