i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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