i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
