this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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