You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
