you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
