I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
