Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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