last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
