I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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