She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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