mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
