u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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