There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
