Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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