how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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