He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
