I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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