I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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