I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
try to milk me bitch
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