The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
