My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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