I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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