apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize