I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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